Oregon Man Attempts To Decipher Gasoline Pump As Though It Were Advanced Alien Technology

LA GRANDE, OR—After a new law took effect January 1st overturning a ban on self-service gas stations, local Oregonian Brax Olson got out of his vehicle and stared mesmerized at a gasoline pump, attempting to figure out how it worked as though it were some monolithic piece of alien tech left over from an advanced race of visitors from the stars.

The man stared transfixed at the handle and surmised it was some kind of holding device used by ancient visitors to earth, who may have grasped the bizarre apparatus and somehow fueled their spaceships. Drawing on the wealth of knowledge he had attained gaining his Master’s degree in English literature, the 48-year-old barista figured out how to remove the hose from the eldritch machine and place it in his vehicle, the nozzle miraculously fitting in his Subaru, though it was clearly designed for some kind of interstellar vessel.

“I eventually deduced that the contraption could produce some kind of liquid substance—no doubt a quantum fluid far beyond mankind’s capabilities to produce—and with the pull of a strange lever, it would transfer the stuff into my car,” Olson said in an interview with a local news station. “Bizarre numbers and symbols began to flash on the structure’s non-Euclidean surface, perhaps indicating the volume or trade price of the substance.”

As his car’s gasoline tank was finally filled with the magic alien space fuel, Olson claimed the machine automatically stopped by some advanced technological method, no doubt developed over many eons by some ancient race among the stars.

“I don’t know exactly what the fantastic object out of space was, but one thing I do know for sure: we are not alone. We live on a small blue planet in the midst of a black sea of infinity, and it wasn’t meant that we should venture far,” Olson said before getting back in his Subaru and driving to his yoga class.