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KJV-Only Pastor Tests Positive For NIV

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HOLLY SPRINGS, MS—In a somber announcement, Pastor Philip Wallace confirmed to his congregation at Hartford Ave Fundamentalist Baptist Church, AV1611 Wednesday evening that he has tested positive for NIV.

The man has pastored the congregation of seventeen people for the past thirty years, staunchly defending the purity of the Scriptures as handed down to mankind in the Authorized Version, but confessed he may have contracted NIV while “experimenting” with other translations during his college years.

“I am deeply, profoundly sorry to everyone that I’ve hurt,” Wallace said to the three regular attenders of Wednesday night Bible study. “While I publicly preached faithfulness to the original autographs of the King James Version, in private I have fooled around with other translations, and doctors have confirmed to me that I have in fact contracted NIV.”

Congregants gasped as they heard the news, having heard of the horrors of the dreaded condition, which can cause painful dynamic equivalence to break out in one’s organs, according to medical experts. Some who have contracted NIV have even died from the virus, though researchers at Crossway have had limited success in curing the illness with their promising ESV treatment.

Wallace announced he would be stepping down from the pastorate as he and his family try to come to grips with the devastating news, further stating his thoughts and prayers would be with the congregation as the pulpit committee searches for a new pastor for the next four to eight years.

“Please also be in prayer for my family during this difficult time,” he added before breaking into quiet sobs and leaving the building for the last time.

At publishing time, medical records obtained by investigators confirmed that Pastor Wallace also tested positive for NASB, RSV, and even the deadly virus known only as “The Message.”

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