Starbucks Execs To Undergo Implicit Bias Training After Implying All Their Employees Are Racist

SEATTLE, WA—Shortly after the upcoming day of employee “implicit bias training” during which Starbucks will close all of its more than 8,000 stores to educate its staff of 175,000 on unconscious prejudices they are fostering toward others, CEO Kevin Johnson confirmed that all company executives will be made to endure a subsequent full day of training to address the troubling bias evidenced by the fact that the required day of staff implicit bias training clearly implies that they think all of their employees are racist.

“We as a company just implicitly accused all 175,000 of our employees of being prejudiced—this is problematic, and we are going to fix it,” Johnson said in an emergency Friday morning interview on CNN.

“There is no excuse for this. How could we be so cold that we could indict so many innocent people as low-brows being driven by deep-seated bigotry?” he added. “I’m ashamed.”

At publishing time, the Starbucks CEO had confirmed that they’re just going to close for the rest of the year as penance for all of the ways they are unconsciously biased.