CLAREMONT, CA—Although she had already received hundreds of new privacy policies from companies in her email inbox throughout the week, 35-year-old mother Jessica Wallace received yet another as she had a brief moment of rest in her master bathroom Friday afternoon.
According to sources, as soon as she had locked the door, she heard the voice of her three-year-old daughter Caroline calling, “Mom, I’m coming in!” The child reportedly burst in moments later with an armload of crayons and scribbled-on documents, ready to update her mother on her brand-new privacy policy.
“Mom, I believe you should always know that when you use the restroom, no matter for how short a time, I can and will enter the bathroom at any moment,” the girl began. “As part of my ongoing commitment to transparency, and in preparation for new data protection laws, I’m updating my Terms of Service and Privacy Policy to let you know your options.”
The younger Wallace began reading off her new privacy policy, scrawled across several pages of construction paper.
“These updates will take effect on May 25, 2018. By having given birth to me three years ago, you’ll be agreeing to these revisions on and after that date. Key updates include:
- There will be a 0.5-2 second delay between when I peek under the door and when I open the door when you are in the bathroom. You may use this time to complete your procedure.
- While I may not document what I witness in the bathroom in an official manner, I cannot be held liable if I suddenly blurt out embarrassing things about you in front of both family and non-family members.
- You may reserve the right to lock the door, but if you choose to do so, I reserve the right to pound on the door, put my mouth up to the bottom of the door and call your name repeatedly, have an irate meltdown, or bang my head against the door until it caves in.
- If I do not come to the door while you are in the bathroom, you can assume my silence implies I am engaged in more demanding activities including (but not limited to): Pulling all of the food out of the refrigerator and putting it in the bath, digging in the cat’s litter box with an ice cream scoop, squeezing all of the toothpaste onto the floor, and putting all of the clean laundry outside under the trampoline and covering it in dirt and old dog chews.”
The girl’s privacy policy went on for another 47 pages and was written in multiple colors including canary yellow, burnt sienna, mango tango, razzmatazz, red, and robin egg blue.
The mother read the entire document, reluctantly checking “YES” next to the box marked “I AGRE,” just to get the girl to leave her alone for at least a full minute, according to sources close to the Wallace household.
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