LOS ANGELES, CA—The Los Angeles Lakers delighted users of the Authorized Version of the Scriptures all around the world Sunday, when the sports team announced it would be joining the King James Only movement in a four-year, $154 million deal.
“This is excellent news,” Pastor Bob Heathrow of Majesty King James Church 1611 in El Monte, California told reporters. “I’ve often said what the Lakers needed to regain their competitive edge was to acknowledge that the King James Bible is the only inerrant version of the Word of God, and that all other versions are Satan’s ways to deceive the masses into swallowing the agenda of the Deep State and the New World Order wholesale.”
“With the Authorized Version on the roster, they’re sure to take home a championship this season,” he added before beginning a rant about NASA covering up the truth about the flat earth.
At publishing time, a heartbroken Cleveland Cavaliers front office had come out against the King James Version in favor of “literally anything else.”
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