Scholars: Jesus’s Disciples ‘Carefully Vetted’ All Children Before Letting Them Come To Him

WORLD—In a major paradigm shift for New Testament scholarship, Bible researchers announced Tuesday that they’re now certain Jesus and His disciples “carefully vetted” all the children that came to Him for teaching and prayer.

The process included verification of the children’s identities and countries of origin, to ensure Jesus was only allowing “the cream of the crop” be blessed by His earthly work, according to newly published first-century documents. Children with suspect backgrounds or seedy hometowns were rejected off-hand, and only a few lucky candidates were admitted to see Him on any given day.

“While we previously thought Jesus let the children come to Him indiscriminately, it’s now apparent that there was actually a lengthy background check and security process before a select few kids were allowed to see the Lord,” said Dr. Darrell Powell, head of the New Testament department at America Bible Seminary. “Jesus and His disciples put security, safety, and comfort above the need to share the gospel with everyone God put them in contact with throughout His public ministry.”

“It was simply a common-sense policy,” he added.

Further research revealed that Jesus had a “no tolerance” policy for undocumented children who arrived to experience His ministry, and would separate them from their parents into detention centers for months at a time.