Op-Ed: I Admit That I Have Absolutely No Idea What I’m Doing—But You Better Believe I’m Going To Ride Out This Wave Just As Long As It Lets Me

Free money. Free health care. Federally guaranteed jobs paying a minimum of $15 per hour. Free college tuition. Guaranteed housing. For EVERYONE!

These sound like wonderful things, right? Of course! And like I always say, in a country as rich as America, no one should go without these things. It sounds so right! So I just kept repeating these things, over and over, and the next thing you know I’m ousting a 10-term congressional incumbent and everyone wants to interview me. People start asking all these questions, like “What’s behind these ideas? How would they work, in reality? Are they economically and socially feasible? Are they the exact opposite of the ideals America was built on? And where do you stand on other basic political issues? Do you know which party is red and which is blue? Can you name the capital of America?” Ugh…

SO, you’ve probably noticed by now, but just in case you haven’t, I’m gonna toss this out there: I have no earthly idea what the heck I’m doing. I mean none! But baby, I’m 28 years old, I’m the talk of the town, and you can bet your bottom dollar I’m going to ride this wave of attention just as long as it lets me. Look at me—I’m all over the place! A young phenom!

I may be utterly clueless about policy of any sort and lack even a middle-school-level understanding of history, but I DO know this: if you oppose me, you’re a bigot and an oppressor. If you like me, you’re brave and strong. So that’s a choice you have to make.

Like it or not, I’m gonna keep repeating my socialist soundbites, promising people free money, free jobs, free education, free everything, if they vote for me and my ilk. Heck, I’ll promise them free Priuses and unicorns if I want to! Go ahead and keep asking me all your complicated questions about how any of my ideas would work in the real world. How are we going to pay for it all? I don’t have a freaking clue. But I do know this:

There’s nothing like walking into the bodega, grabbing an iced cafecito, chopping it up with everyone behind the counter + appreciating the dude who’s blasting “Oye Como Va” through his backpack speaker. In this small moment, nothing else matters. Today is a good day.