‘Jesus Was A Socialist,’ Says Man Who’s Obviously Never Been Within 10 Feet Of A Bible

BROOKLYN, NY—On Monday, New York University acting student Liam Roberts became engaged in a political argument with his conservative Christian roommate, Jake Martinez. During the heated exchange, which was reportedly about Medicare, Roberts claimed that Jesus Christ was a socialist.

When Martinez asked him to back up his claim, Roberts cited “the Bible” and “the stuff Jesus said about the poor.” Martinez pressed further, demanding Roberts show him the chapter and verse in which Jesus advocated for a socialist political system on earth, or suggested that the way to help the poor is to forcibly take money from some in order to inefficiently redistribute it to others as the government sees fit.

Further investigation has revealed that Roberts hasn’t ever been within ten feet of a copy of the Bible.

“Do I look like a biblical scholar?” Roberts said before leaving the dorm to go to rehearsal. “It’s pretty obvious that Jesus was a socialist from the memes and stuff I’ve seen on the topic.”

At publishing time, reporters had been unable to reach Roberts for comment, but a vague post regarding “hypocrisy in politics” was seen on his Facebook wall several hours after his argument with Martinez.