Everyone Waits Patiently For FBI Investigation That Will Definitely End All Controversy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Everything is quiet in Washington D.C. as everyone happily awaits the results of the FBI investigation, which everyone agrees will conclusively solve all controversy about Supreme Court nominee Judge Brett Kavanaugh, once and for all.

“This is great,” said Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein. “This is exactly what we wanted. We kept bringing up an FBI investigation during last Thursday’s questioning of Kavanaugh, and now we have it. We got exactly what we wanted and have nothing to complain about.”

“I was already pretty sold on Kavanaugh,” said Republican Senator Lindsey Graham, “but I’ll sure rest easier after this last FBI investigation.”

When the FBI investigation concludes at the end of the week, it’s expected to be a 0-100 vote against Kavanaugh if anything is found to back the allegations against him and a 100-0 vote for him if nothing is found, thus clearing him. Either way, thanks to this FBI investigation, there should now be a unity between the two parties. Much of this is credited to Republican Senator Jeff Flake, who came up with the brilliant idea.

“There was so much arguing,” Flake explained. “Then I had this great idea: Do one more FBI investigation limited to a week. That will make absolutely everyone happy. And now that we have nothing to argue or complain about, all we have to do is figure out how to use our time.”

Flake then suggested to the other Senators that they all go to Baskin-Robbins together, an idea that was met with cheers. They had trouble getting out of the Capitol building to get ice cream, though, as it was surrounded by thousands of concerned citizens, all smiling and cheering, “Flake! Flake! Flake!”