Nation Longs For More Civilized Age When Politicians Settled Disputes With Pistols

U.S.—Upon looking at the bleak, uncivilized nature of our political discourse, millions of people across the nation announced Thursday they are feeling nostalgic for a more refined time when politicians just shot each other with pistols to resolve their differences.

The nation dreamily looked back at the time before all these brutish tactics invaded our politics, and politicians just shot one another in broad daylight like civilized human beings.

“Frankly, it’d beat all the protesting and swarming people in restaurants,” said one man in Iowa. “Just one simple, civilized duel, a couple o’ bullets flying through the air, and you’re done.”

“Blam, blam, and you call it a day,” he added.

At publishing time, a grassroots movement had called for a towering Thunderdome to be built in Washington, D.C., to return some semblance of civility to our national discourse.