BRAINTREE, MA—During a brief prayer while leading worship at Tidal Wave Church Sunday morning, local worship leader Brian “Hatchback” Lancer managed to espouse no less than 47 different heresies, according to witnesses.
“Father God, we just come before Your Spirit now and we just thank You, Father God, for dying on the cross for us,” Lancer’s prayer began, immediately falling into heresy. “Send the Father down in power now, and let Your Son fill this place as we glorify the Spirit now, Lord Jesus.”
“Thanks so much, Daddy, for creating Jesus and sending Him to earth in spirit so we could learn to fulfill your law, Holy Spirit,” he continued.
As his fellow Christians could only peek out one eye and watch in terror, Lancer plowed forward, totally unaware he was totally botching nearly every facet of Christian thought, repeating a long parade of heresies from throughout church history. In the brief, whimsical prayer, Lancer managed to stumble into Gnosticism, Pelagianism, Arianism, Patripassionism, and a brand-new heresy with elements of both modalism and the plot of Stargate SG-1.
“It was pretty amazing, actually,” said head pastor Matt Wetzel. “I was going to stop him, but I wanted to see if he could hit every apostasy known to man.” Wetzel also admitted he needs to do a better job shepherding the worship leader. “Yeah, I guess that’s my job, isn’t it?”
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