‘HEEERE’S JOHNNY!’ Cries Crazed John MacArthur Chopping Through Joel Osteen’s Office Door

HOUSTON, TX—According to witnesses at Lakewood Church, a deranged John MacArthur bellowed, “Heeeere’s Johnny!” as he chopped through Joel Osteen’s office door with an ax.

MacArthur had reportedly visited Lakewood’s offices to gift Osteen a full set of his commentaries, but as he wandered the corridors of the sprawling campus, he slowly began going insane, muttering something about all preaching and no dancing making Jack a dull boy.

Finally, MacArthur located a fire ax in a storage shed, later claiming the building itself seemed to have come alive, whispering to him to “get Osteen.”

“Joel?” he called through the stretching hallways of Lakewood. “I’m not gonna hurt ya—I’m just gonna bash your theology in.”

He spotted Osteen at the end of a passageway, and the prosperity gospel preacher’s eyes went wide. He bolted, locking himself in his office, but MacArthur pursued and began hacking the door down with his ax.

Osteen was barely able to escape through a small window, calling campus security to come pick him up in a golf cart.

Investigators arriving on the scene couldn’t find MacArthur and stated nothing was amiss in the building except a loud boiler in need of some maintenance. “It is what it is,” said a Houston police investigator, shrugging. “Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters.”

At publishing time, Lakewood Church personnel had confirmed the mysterious appearance of MacArthur’s face in a staff photo from 1980.