U.S.—A coalition of seeker-sensitive pastors released a statement Thursday condemning the prophet Elijah for not using more seeker-friendly methods in his prophetic ministry.
“Elijah’s heart was in the right place, but we’re not sure that calling fire down from the heavens and then hacking God’s enemies to pieces was the best church growth strategy,” said one church growth expert. He pointed to a whiteboard containing the acronym “GROWTH.” “See? Nowhere in this handy acronym does it say ‘Slay all the prophets of Baal.'”
They heavily criticized Elijah’s mocking of Baal as well. “We cringed as we read the account of Elijah asking whether or not Baal was in the restroom. A much more pragmatic, effective method would have been to come alongside the prophets of Baal and ask if they had any first-world problems that Yahweh could resolve for them. Then, Elijah could have sucker-punched them with an altar call. BAM—instant converts!”
One prominent seeker-sensitive guru suggested that Elijah should have set out tables with free donuts and coffee to lure in the prophets of Baal before preaching to them. “And a free visitor’s kit with swag would have worked wonders,” he added.
At publishing time, a conference discussing the decidedly non-seeker-sensitive methods of Elijah’s successor had also been announced. The name of the conference is “Why Your Church Should Avoid Using Bears To Attract Visitors.”
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