Bernie Sanders Cheerily Greets Trick-Or-Treaters Before Stealing Their Candy For Redistribution

NORTH HERO, VT—It’s Halloween, which means trick-or-treaters are beginning to flood the streets of cities and towns all across the country in a beloved tradition. Children joyously knock on doors and receive candy at most of the houses in their neighborhood—most of the houses, that is, except for that of Bernie Sanders.

Sanders cheerily opens the door each time children knock and cry out “Trick or treat!” and greets them, commenting on their costumes and wishing them a happy Halloween. Then, he pulls out his large bowl of candy, reaches his hand out, and takes from the children who have a lot of candy, placing their “donations” into his bowl for later redistribution to the less fortunate.

“What a nice Captain America costume you have!” Sanders said to one boy. “Although I’m always a little disturbed by the large selection of costumes made possible by corporate greed and the evils of capitalism, I still appreciate your spirit. Now hand over the Milky Ways, bub.” Sanders then dug into the kid’s bag and pulled out over 40% of his haul, lecturing the boy on the need to be generous.

Of course, the senator doesn’t provide his redistribution services for free: he takes a “small tax” out of his collection before carefully redistributing the candy based on his fair and equitable Candy Plan, which he draws up every year.

At publishing time, Sanders still couldn’t figure out why kids kept avoiding his front door altogether.