Disillusioned With Democratic Process, More Americans Throwing Support Behind Aragorn, King Of Gondor

U.S.—As more and more Americans grow disillusioned with the democratic process, an increasing number of voters are throwing their support behind Aragorn II, Son of Arathorn, King of Gondor.

While the candidates on the ballot all received a fair number of votes, the largest voting bloc simply wrote in “Hail Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, the rightful heir to the throne of Gondor! We owe him our allegiance!” The monarch seems to have won support among American voters through his impeccable personal character, strong military service, and “dope” sword fighting ability.

“Some other candidates have good policies and decent track records, but none of them fought off the forces of Mordor when all hope seemed lost,” said one political pundit. “That’s not even to mention his strong showing at Helm’s Deep. And when he totally destroyed that Uruk Hai dude, he shot up in the polls significantly.”

Although it’s too early to call, should Aragorn win every race in the midterm elections, political experts believe Aragorn would become the king of America for life. “There’s really no way around it. We’d move away from letting the mob pick our ruler every couple of years and instead hail the rightful king. Hail Aragorn! Hail Aragorn!” said one cable news anchor.

The King of Gondor gave a rally speech thanking Americans for their support on Tuesday afternoon. “If by my life or death I can protect you, I will,” he said as the crowd bowed to him. “Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, of America, my brothers! A day may come when the nation fails, but it is not this day. An hour of darkness and despair, when the age of the great nation of America comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight!”

Aragorn was also able to win over substantial support among the Army of the Dead, typically a strong Democratic voting bloc.