Mass Confusion At Polls After Voting Machines Fail To Display Candidates’ Party Affiliations

U.S.—Across the nation, mass panic and confusion broke out at the polls Tuesday after thousands of voting machines malfunctioned, failing to display the candidates’ party affiliations.

The glitch forced confused voters to select candidates based on knowledge of their platform positions, policies, and personal character, rather than simply looking for the little “R” or “D” next to their name.

“Voters came in and started scanning the list of candidates for their favorite political party,” said an election organizer. “When they couldn’t tell whether or not they were Republican or Democrat, everyone just started freaking out.” According to the official, voters began running around in circles screaming or pulling their hair out as they cried in anguish.

“What am I supposed to do, choose candidates based on merit? That way lies madness!” yelled one angered voter in Vermont. “I need the little letter so I know which candidate is the savior of our country and which one is the spawn of Satan.” He then began screaming at the sky for several minutes.

Within a few hours, the glitch was fixed, and relieved election participants were able to continue voting without being informed on the issues in any way.