U.S.—The nation confirmed Wednesday that every person in America is excited to kick off what is sure to be a calm, courteous 2020 presidential race beginning today.
As the calm, civil midterms wrapped up, the nation could hardly contain itself waiting for the equally calm and civil 2020 race to kick off any minute now.
“President Trump will say some nice things about the Democratic nominee, and then they’ll repay the favor, and there will just be such calmness and civility all around,” said one man in Ohio. “I just can’t wait.”
The nation is especially looking forward to Trump coming up with fond nicknames for the Democratic nominee. “He’s always so good at coming up with those adorable pet names for people, stuff like ‘Kind Kamala’ or ‘Brilliant Booker.’ You just know he’s gonna bust out some cute, friendly nicknames for everyone involved in the 2020 race.”
Should Trump lose, pundits are certain he’ll concede with grace and class. Should he win, people are confident he’ll offer kind words to the loser and maybe a cabinet seat as a consolation prize.
“If any country knows how to have a levelheaded election characterized by kindness and decency, it’s America,” one woman said.
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