Children’s Ministry Sign-In Sheet Includes Column For Listing Child’s Depravity Level

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—A representative for the children’s ministry at Grace Church of the Coastlands confirmed Tuesday that all sign-in sheets for parents dropping off their children at Sunday School will now include a column for listing a child’s depravity level.

Parents are asked to list their child’s name, age, any allergies, and their propensity for succumbing to the desires of the flesh.

“This should help teachers deal with a child’s outbursts of sin more effectively,” said children’s minister Jody Larson. “If we know that your child has feet that are swift to shed blood, a throat that’s an open grave, or no fear of God before their eyes, then we’re better able to deal with their self-centered tantrums when the time comes.”

Children who were baptized as infants are not exempt from the new requirement to list their level of depravity, as the children’s ministry has verified through years of experience that the sacrament makes “zero difference.”

During a test run of the new sign-in sheets this past Sunday, every single child was listed as “totally depraved” or some variation thereof.