LOS ANGELES, CA—Elon Musk just announced he’ll be scrapping his plans for a tunnel underneath the 405 freeway in Los Angeles after his boring crews delved too greedily and too deep, unearthing a Balrog deep under the city.
“Our crews delved too greedily and too deep,” Musk said somberly. “I now know what they awoke in the darkness beneath west LA: shadow and flame!” He then began cackling madly, ranting about the demons in the dark of Khazad-dûm.
Initial as-built plans provided to the Boring Company by the city reportedly did not mention the deep dwarven mine shafts underground. “The Balrog was nowhere on those plans,” Musk said after he’d been restrained again. “This is really the fault of the city for not having made better blueprints available.”
Musk stated he was forced to descend into the depths of the dwarven mine and battle the demon himself. “I am a billionaire entrepreneur—you cannot pass!” he bellowed as he raised a high-tech staff he developed into the air. “The dark fire will not avail you—go back to the shadow!”
The Balrog nearly pulled Musk into the dark depths. “Fly, you fools!” he yelled to the Boring Company employees still working deep in the mine shaft. Musk was pulled down but rescued at the last moment by a prototype Tesla drone.
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