CHICAGO, IL—According to sources, local pastor Hal Parsons’ Sunday sermon featured more fake-out conclusions than Peter Jackson’s epic fantasy film The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.
Pastor Parsons reportedly delivered an eloquent plea to the crowd to turn to Christ, faking everyone into thinking the sermon was over, but then continued after a pensive pause. He did this over seventeen times, according to witnesses.
“He totally faked us out, just like when everyone kneels in front of the Hobbits in Minas Tirith and you think the movie’s gonna end, but it totally doesn’t,” one church member said after the service. “This guy’s the master.” Everyone in the congregation reportedly started packing up their things several times, only for the sermon to continue over and over again.
“The reunion of the Hobbits, the coronation of Aragorn, the departure from the Grey Havens, Sam’s return to the Shire—I only count four endings there, but the sermon definitely had a solid baker’s dozen,” the church member added. “I remember back when we saw Return of the King in the theatres I kept getting up to leave before realizing it was still going. This was exactly like that.”
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that director Peter Jackson was consulting with the pastor on how to introduce a few more fake endings into an upcoming director’s cut of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies.
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