‘The Milk Is Nowhere To Be Found,’ Reports Husband Staring Directly At Jug Of Milk

CRESCENT CITY, CA—”The milk is absolutely nowhere to be found,” declared local husband and father Jake Matgard Friday as he stared directly at the jug of milk his wife had purchased and placed in the fridge not four hours before.

“Though I search high and low in this refrigerator, the milk hides itself from me,” he lamented. “I’ve checked the drawers, the shelves, the door, and even the freezer, and it’s just not here. Some ne’er-do-well has absconded with it, or else it was never here in the first place.”

When his wife called from the other room and told him it was right in the middle of the fridge, he chuckled. “You always say that, but it’s never where you think it is. If you’re so smart, you come over here and see for yourself. I guarantee you will not find it, for it has vanished.”

Matgard’s wife then came into the kitchen while reading a book, opened the fridge, and grabbed the milk without looking, shoving it into Jake’s hands before departing to solve some other desperate crisis.

“I could have sworn it wasn’t there before!” Matgard called out sheepishly.