Historians: Ananias, Sapphira Actually Slain For Bringing Package Of Donettes To Church In Lieu Of Real Donuts

U.S.—Historians now believe Ananias and Sapphira were struck down for bringing a package of store-bought Donettes to contribute to a church service rather than real donuts.

Several textual clues hinted at the real reason for the couple’s sudden death, but archaeologists sealed the deal when they found a discarded bag of the bland, stale Hostess product near the site of the event.

While the panel of scholars acknowledged that the Scripture indicates their sin was withholding money from the sale of land, it now appears the more pressing issue was the fact that they signed up for refreshments and brought a measly package of mass-produced miniature donuts instead of the real deal.

“Yes, Peter confronted Ananias about the money he was holding back, but we now believe the apostle was tipped off by the fact that the church member waltzed in and set a small bag of Donettes on the welcome table,” said Dr. Christoff Vandabeer of Dallas Theological Seminary. “This was a telltale sign that the couple wasn’t interested in giving their best portion to the Lord. This prompted Peter to begin his line of questioning that ended in the couple’s untimely death.”

The scholars state the finding also represents a grave warning for American Christians: “Make sure when you sign up for refreshments, you bring enough, and don’t you dare go with mass-produced, store-bought donuts. God deserves the real thing.”