WASHINGTON, D.C.—Taking on a previously unregulated weapon, the federal government has instituted a five-day waiting period for all Nerf guns. “We decided it was time to act when we noticed how large the ammo is,” explained bureaucrat Joseph Clarkson. “The darts it fires are far larger than the average bullet, which must mean it’s a far deadlier weapon… as far as we understand things or care to understand things.”
Nerf guns use air to fire foam darts at velocities so high that, if used improperly, they could “really, really irritate someone.” Kids will often purchase Nerf guns when the urge to have fun suddenly overtakes them, but regulators hope this new waiting period will give them time to “cool-off” and “maybe decide to read a book or something instead.” In addition, the purchaser will undergo a background check to make sure he is not the sort of kid who would use the Nerf gun to “shoot a cat in the face.”
The waiting period has been a bit of a shock for last-minute shoppers. “Aw man… Come on!” commented Bradley Nelson, hoping to buy a Nerf gun for his son in time for Christmas. He instead bought his son “yet more Legos I hope I don’t step on.”
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