Hillary Clinton Invites Elizabeth Warren To Remote Location With No Witnesses In Order To Congratulate Her On Running For President

OLD ABANDONED GAS STATION SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS—In order to offer her sincere congratulations on Elizabeth Warren’s decision to run for president in 2020, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton called Warren and asked if she’d meet in person at a remote location out on the plains of Texas “where there are no witnesses or law enforcement officers who could get in the way of my heartfelt words.”

“I’d like to congratulate you in person,” Clinton said over the phone. “Why don’t we meet a few miles south of Highway 20, out near the old abandoned gas station where no one can hear any of our conversation or any potential screams that might happen?”

“Screams of happiness from the congratulating, I mean,” she quickly added. “Yep, the one out by the old mineshaft. See you there, Liz!”

Warren claimed to already know where the old gas station is, as her Native American tribe has a reservation near the meeting location.

“It’s real nice of Hill to offer to meet somewhere private, where no help can be summoned for miles and miles,” she said. “It just goes to show she isn’t in it for the fame or photo op, but she just genuinely wants a few minutes alone where she can offer me some support and encouragement miles away from civilization and the police.”

At publishing time, Warren was still waiting for Hillary to show up, though she claimed she felt like she was being watched: “It’s the rocks and the trees, probably—sometimes my Indian blood feels the spirit of the earth watching, like a person ready to pounce.”