Giuliani Opens New Law Firm That Guarantees To Get You Convicted In 30 Days Or Less

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Rudy Giuliani is capitalizing on his newfound success defending Donald Trump from accusations of wrongdoing by opening up a new law firm that guarantees to get you convicted in 30 days or less.

“Saying dumb things that imply you’re guilty? I got you covered,” an amped-up Giuliani says in a cheesy late-night infomercial promoting the new law firm. “Giving live television interviews in which I lie about my previous lies about my previous lies? I can do that! Selling you out to every news outlet possible? I’m your man!”

The commercial then showed Giuliani’s proven track record, rattling off the hundreds of successful cases he’s handled. “We’re even close to nabbing President Trump a guaranteed impeachment proceeding! We have knowledge and experience you can trust!”

“In fact, I believe in my method so much, that if you’re not behind bars within the first month, I’ll refund you every single dime!” he declares as the number to phone in begins flashing on the bottom of his screen. Fine print on the TV spot, however, indicated that Giuliani reserves the right to walk back any guarantees made in the commercial at any time.

The ad was followed by a commercial for Giuliani’s new car insurance commercial, in which he promises to make sure you pay the maximum possible amount in any given accident.