PITTSBURGH, PA—Local man Fred Palters confirmed Tuesday that he’s doing his part for God’s kingdom by clearing out hordes of demons from the pits of hell and the surface of Mars during his seventh play-through of 2016’s highly acclaimed Doom reboot.
While the traditional definition of spiritual warfare consisted primarily of praying, studying God’s Word, and fellowshipping with other believers, Palters has expanded the term to include smiting digital demons with rocket launchers, shotguns, and the “Big Freaking Gun.”
“Although some people feel called to just do traditional evangelism and pray for their brothers and sisters in Christ,” he told reporters, “my calling is mostly blowing up Cacodemons. If I’m not going to beat back the forces of hell from invading our facilities on the red planet, then who will?”
“You’ve never seen a demon on Mars, have you? Well, that’s because I’ve played through Doom seven times,” he added proudly.
“You’re welcome.”
Sources also confirmed that Palters plays Grand Theft Auto V, but he assured reporters that he never steals a vehicle and obeys all traffic laws while playing the game.
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