King Solomon Named Champion Of Women’s Rights For His ‘Cut The Baby In Half’ Proposal

U.S.—When King Solomon was presented with a dispute between two women over a baby, Solomon announced he would cut the baby in half. Applause erupted from a number of feminists in attendance, who praised Solomon’s wise judgment that would advance women’s rights.

“It’s such a simple and compassionate answer to the problem,” said Planned Parenthood president Leana Wen. “Just take the baby — or escaped fetus, as we call it — and cut it in two. Solomon really supports women’s reproductive health.”

Not everyone was happy with the king’s decision. One of the two women in the dispute, presumably a Republican, begged Solomon to not cut the baby in two, denying the other woman’s right to choose.

“This is another way in which Solomon’s decision was brilliant,” stated NARAL member Stacey Robbins. “It forced reactions from the two women, exposing which one was the true feminist and which one was some sort of anti-choice monster.”

There was talk of King Solomon headlining the next Women’s March, though that proposal was quickly scuttled when organizers of the event found out he’s a Jew.