BREMERTON, WA—Local youth pastor Brian “Buffalo” Herrera officially declared a national emergency Monday after discovering the kitchen at Lakeside Community Church had completely run out of Mountain Dew.
“NATIONAL EMERGENCY!” he yelled, running through the church office. “The Mountain Dew is gone, code red, I repeat, the Mountain Dew is gone!”
“The Code Red is gone?” the head pastor asked him, confused. “I thought you only liked the regular stuff and the Live Wire.”
“No, I’m just saying that it’s a code red,” Herrera replied. “We’re out of ALL VARIETIES!”
The youth pastor attempted to call the White House, but no one got back to him right away. Herrera decided he had to take matters into his own hands. Throwing on his Five Iron Frenzy hoodie and trusty skate shoes, he hopped on his longboard and headed to the nearest grocery store. Sadly, he then realized he didn’t have any money, so he skated back to the church to bum a few bucks off the lead pastor.
“That was a close one,” he said as he settled into a couch on the youth room to play some Apex Legends, a task he refers to as “cultural engagement and sermon prep.”
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