KANSAS CITY, MO—After a lengthy dispute with his wife this morning, local man Lee Branscom expressed his great sorrow and regret over whatever he did in her dream last night that had her so ticked off at him, sources confirmed Tuesday.
He attempted reasoning with her, using the “lame excuse” that he had no control over what dream Lee does, but after that failed, he resigned himself to apologizing for every action of the imaginary version of himself.
“Honey, I know in your dream I hijacked a school bus, blew up the Empire State Building, and cheated on you with every other eligible woman in America, and for that, I am deeply sorry,” he said, putting his arm around her. “What else did I do again? Well, whatever it was, I apologize.”
“I love you so much, and I’m so sorry that I hurt you in that way,” he said.
“I’m just not really sure you mean it,” she replied. “You don’t seem like you really regret telling me you’re leaving me to join the UFC and then laughing as your head turned into a hot air balloon and you vomited out hundreds of 1-Up mushrooms and then disappeared down a green pipe.” She insisted that Branscom list off each of the things his dream self did and apologize for them individually.
Branscom and his wife have made up, but he’s reportedly “really worried” about what the fictional version of himself will do tonight.
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