SEATTLE, WA—The coffee monolith Starbucks is introducing a brand new drink that promises to begin the hard work of ending racism in America. The new “White Privilege Latte” will cost $50 a cup and taste like pure hatred, bigotry, and regret. “This will be the most progressive drink on the market today,” said marketing director at Starbucks, Madeline Kohn.
The drink will come in a special new bright white cup with the words “SHAME”, “REGRET”, and “DISGRACE” in red stamped across the front of the cup depending on its flavor. The drink will only be sold to those of Caucasian descent in order to combat racism. The cup is designed to maximize the public shame experienced by the person drinking from it. Purchasers will also be taken aside by a barista and lectured for three hours about social progress and then put through a rigorous process of shaming, scolding, and being berated. Finally, the customer will choke back the bitter drink with tears streaming down their faces with their mouth forced shut so that none of the drink may be regurgitated.
While paying for the drink, you’ll give the barista your name, but instead, they’ll write a slur about how pasty white you are, such as “cracker” or “white boy.”
When asked why anybody would voluntarily pay $50 for a vile drink and horrible overall customer experience, Kohn explained that the company is planning an extensive social media shaming campaign that will drive whites to their stores en masse to seek penance for their evils. “Anti-white racism is really hot right now, especially among white people — our biggest customer demographic. We expect to do forty billion in sales the first month,” added Kohn with confidence.
“Besides, people already overpay for bitter beverages at our store,” she added.
The ad campaign, featuring slogans such as, “The drink you deserve,” “It’s Wrong to be White,” and “White people, you are all literally Hitler. Buy this drink” will hit social media and Starbucks locations later this week. Discounts will be offered to those of mixed minority and Caucasian heritage.
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