Jesus' Coming Back

Cohen: ‘Trump Kept Instructing Me To Execute Something Called ‘Order 66”

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During his riveting testimony on Capitol Hill today, former Trump attorney Michael Cohen claimed that then-candidate Donald Trump kept ordering him to execute something called “Order 66” during his presidential campaign.

“I was never quite able to piece together what it was he wanted me to do,” Cohen said. “He kept rambling on about this religious cult of so-called ‘Jedi’ around the galaxy and how they represented a threat to his rise to power or something. He was clearly a delusional cheat and an intergalactic conman in need of some serious mental help.”

According to Cohen, he repeatedly assured Trump that Order 66 had been carried out and that he didn’t need to worry about the Jedi any longer. “He was obsessive,” Cohen said in his testimony before the House. “He’d begin cackling evilly or ranting about some old ‘sith’ guy named Darth Plagueis the Wise.”

Cohen said he ended up putting a fake button on his desk marked “Order 66” and would press it anytime Trump mentioned it to make him think the order had been executed.

Trump quickly defended himself on Twitter, posting, “I love democracy.”

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