Border Patrol Agent Calls Up Planned Parenthood To Get Helpful Pointers On Separating Children From Their Mothers

ARIZONA—Overwhelmed with his workload having to separate countless children from their parents day in and day out, Border Patrol agent Dave Martinson called up Planned Parenthood’s main office Friday to see if they could offer any helpful tips on how to separate children from their mothers.

A Planned Parenthood secretary immediately patched Martinson through to the organization’s president, Leana Wen.

“No, I don’t think we can’t dismember them,” Martinson said in response to Wen’s suggestion that they kill them first. “Yeah, everyone would be all up in arms if we were to kill them. I mean, you guys get away with it but I’m not sure how.”

Wen suggested that Martinson label the process of separating children from their mothers at the border as “women’s healthcare” to deflect some of the criticism.

“The trick is to call everybody who disagrees with your separation policy an oppressor of women,” Wen said. “It works for us.” Wen also gave Martinson helpful tips to help him be more efficient at separating children from their mothers, like doing the procedure as quickly as possible before the mom can change her mind and lying to her about the process the entire way through. “Follow our advice, and you’ll be getting more and more federal funding for your separation practices, even when the Republicans control the government,” she concluded.

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