Investigation Reveals All Negative ‘Captain Marvel’ Reviews Were Written By Genocidal Maniac Thanos

U.S.—After a barrage of negative and lukewarm reviews of Captain Marvel flooded the internet earlier this week, everyone who was already certain the movie was going to be an incredibly powerful film about feminism and girl power began to suspect something was up.

Turns out, they were right. While many assumed that privileged white men were behind the bad reviews, it now appears that Thanos, The Mad Titan, wrote all of the negative reviews himself. An independent investigator managed to track the IP addresses of everyone who was posting critical reviews of the film. They all linked to one man on an undisclosed planet somewhere in the galaxy, now known to be the current home of Thanos, who became notorious for wiping out half the life in the universe last year.

“Ah, now it makes sense,” one writer for Slate said. “I was wondering how someone could possibly write anything but a glowing review of this important film. I thought white men were behind it, but a purple, genocidal maniac? Close enough.”

Suspicions had been aroused as most of the negative reviews ranted about how half the people in the film should be dead, or how the villain wasn’t as good as Thanos. Thanos also made the foolish mistake of using his extremely recognizable picture as his avatar.

Now that the matter is settled, the nation’s feminists can rest assured that their strong, unstoppable movement won’t be derailed by a single mediocre Marvel film.

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