‘Humanity Must Outgrow The Childish Idea Of God,’ Says Man Wearing ‘My Little Pony’ T-Shirt

CORVALLIS, OR—Local atheist activist and mall cell phone salesman Mick Delano theorizes that humanity evolved the idea of God and religion to help control society, but he believes this idea is now a childish fairy tale that is long overdue for mankind to abandon. 

The 33-year-old man relayed these advanced philosophical concepts to the owner of a local comic book store as he wore a T-shirt featuring his favorite characters from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

“We will one day mature past the ridiculous, juvenile concept of religion,” said the man who watches Japanese cartoons in his mom’s basement all day. “We must cast off the ridiculous idea that there is some all-powerful sky fairy. I mean, what are we, 7 years old?”

“By the way, do you think Batman would beat Iron Man in a fight? I mean, Bruce Wayne’s pretty resourceful, but Stark just has so much technology,” he said as an aside. “Personally, I think if Batman had enough advanced notice and could set up his traps and gadgets and stuff then there’s no way Iron Man would win. Batman in one of his specially designed suits? No contest, my good man, no contest.” The pair then got in a spirited debate as to who the best Batman was, with both of them eventually agreeing that Kevin Conroy’s performance in Batman: The Animated Series is still unmatched.

“Anyway, yeah, God is an idea for toddlers, not serious grown-ups,” he scoffed before heading to the other side of the store to browse the latest Magic: The Gathering singles.

At publishing time, Delano called his mom to pick him up so he could go home and binge watch another season of Dragon Ball Z.