Op-Ed: The Key To Stopping Mass Shootings Is To Pass Sensible Legislation Against Thoughts And Prayers

I’ve noticed something. With every mass shooting, there are thoughts and prayers. That’s a correlation — a science word that means “one caused the other.”

Now, I’m a big believer in science. Science tells us about climate change and asteroids. I always listen to science — except economics which isn’t a real science and is very mean. So if science tells me that thoughts and prayers cause mass shootings, then I’m going to act. I’m going to tweet, “Hey, stop it with those thoughts and prayers.” And I’m going to do some more tweets. And then maybe write a bill — or an FAQ summarizing what I want the bill to be since that’s easier.

And I’m going to teach. Teach people how to stop having thoughts and prayers. Now, not praying is easy. If you’re thinking of asking God for something, just don’t do it. It’s probably good not to pray as praying too much could make you a Republican (there’s another correlation).

Not having thoughts is harder, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it. I just pick a blank wall and stare at it and try not to think. Eventually I sort of black out and lose time. It’s not quite sleep — actually, my doctor is not exactly sure what that is. Hey, science, there’s another thing for you to look into!