HEAVEN—A report from the throne room of the Most High God confirmed Tuesday that the Lord is feeling “pretty confident” in his completed NCAA bracket this year.
“God’s pretty sure He’s got this one in the bag,” said an angelic messenger in a statement to humanity. “Every winner, every loser, every game—we don’t really think there’s even a small chance that He’s wrong on any of them.” The angel also said that in addition to predicting the winners of each game, God has provided a count of the hair on each participant’s head, predicted the exact scores and stats of every single player in the game, and predicted every passing thought and motive of the heart of all players, fans, and coaches.
According to reports, God has yet to predict a matchup incorrectly. However, some have cried foul on the Almighty’s perfect prediction streak, alleging that the sovereign God has ordained the winners and losers since before the foundation of the world.
Whether or not these allegations prove to be true, the Lord is projected to win every single contest for a perfect bracket, netting heaven’s already infinite coffers additional millions upon millions of dollars in prize money.
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