It’s a crowded field of Democratic candidates out there, with nearly every living human being throwing their hat into the ring this year, and a few dead ones.
If you’re having trouble keeping track of the various pros and cons of just a few of the seven billion Democratic candidates for president, just reference our handy list:
Joe Biden
Pro: Came out strong against pineapple pizza
Con: Has only hazy memories of his tenure as vice president
Kamala Harris
Pro: Tough on violent crimes like truancy
Con: Also tough on unborn babies
Bernie Sanders
Pro: Kids will finally learn about communism
Con: Kids will finally learn about communism
Elizabeth Warren
Pro: Would be the first Native American president
Con: Would replace the White House with a seedy roadside casino
Thanos the Mad Titan
Pro: Relatively moderate position on population control
Con: Can get a little moody/dramatic
Kirsten Gillibrand
Pro: Can balance on a chair during a campaign stop
Con: Sided with Sega in the 16-bit era
Beto O’Rourke
Pro: Has a pretty decent pop shove-it
Con: Actually controlled by a tiny, robotic Barack Obama inside his hollowed-out husk of a skull
GLaDOS
Pros: Has more human-like emotions than most other candidates
Cons: Will run deadly tests on American citizens
John Hickenlooper
Pro: Fun name
Con: Has vowed genocide against the Eskimos
Amy Klobuchar
Pro: Makes great Netflix recommendations
Con: Is actually Vladimir Putin in a wig
Jim Smith
Pro: Sane moderate
Con: We just made him up. He’s not real
Cory Booker
Pro: Can inflate to three times his size when threatened
Con: Just trying to get the job offer of US President as leverage to get the Office Depot he works at to pay him more
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