Jesus was definitely a conservative, Republican capitalist. It’s written all over the pages of Scripture. Sure, you might have to read between the lines a little bit, but that’s what the Christian life is all about.
So after consulting with several MAGAchurches and their pastors, we distilled the thousands of indisputable proofs that Jesus was a hardcore conservative to the strongest 10:
1.) When He rebuked the money changers in the temple for not making even more profits – Jesus entered the temple and started flipping tables, a powerful statement to the money changers that they weren’t earning enough profits for their shareholders.
2.) When He stopped Peter from using a sword and instead handed him an AR-15 – Jesus gently pushed Peter’s sword away in the Garden and told him to use an AR-15 for its superior fire rate.
3.) When He rode into Jerusalem on a giant bald eagle – The Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem riding on the symbol of America was an important part of the biblical narrative.
4.) That time He was asked to heal a beggar and instead showed him how to find a job on Craigslist – Jesus could have just handed out healings like some kind of socialist, but He didn’t. Instead, He helped people find jobs on Craigslist or taught them how to apply for a job at Chick-fil-A.
5.) When a MAGA hat descended upon Him from heaven – Recorded in all four Gospels, Jesus’s baptism concluded with a MAGA hat appearing from on high and descending right onto His head.
6.) He moved continuously from one region to the next for purposes of tax evasion – Jesus wasn’t going to pay taxes to fund the socialized state if He could help it. So He constantly moved around Israel in order to skirt local tax law.
7.) When He was asked about the greatest commandment and handed His disciples Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life – What more proof do you need? Jesus didn’t say the greatest commandment was to love God and love others—He just deferred to Peterson, of course.
8.) When Jesus went up the mountain to collude with the Russians – We all know that real Republicans collude with the Russians to win elections. CNN said so. And no one did this more than Jesus, who went up to the mountaintop to meet manifestations of Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump to help the latter become the president of the United States.
9.) When He only distributed 78% as much bread and fish to women as He did to men – Jesus handed out bread and fish to everyone, but as a strong supporter of the patriarchy and the gender pay gap, the Lord only gave women 78% as much. Fair is fair.
10.) The numerous videos of Jesus owning libs on YouTube and discussing politics with Joe Rogan for 8 hours – Seriously, if you’re still doubting that Jesus was a Republican, why not just go google “WATCH AS JESUS OWNS THIS LIB COLLEGE STUDENT WITH FACTS AND LOGIC” or else check out His recent interview with Joe Rogan? All the evidence is there if you’re willing to look for it.
If all this isn’t enough to make you go out and buy a Make America Great Again hat this instant, then may Trump have mercy on your soul.
Comments are closed.