Evangelicals Relieved Their President Now Only Guilty Of Paying Off Porn Stars, Models

U.S.—Conservative evangelicals across the country confirmed Monday they were relieved that after the Mueller Report seemingly cleared President Trump of any Russian collusion over the weekend, they now have a president who only paid off porn stars and supermodels to cover up his marital infidelity.

Many Christians have come out against Trump. Others have stuck by the president’s side through thick and thin. The latter group is now vindicated, as Robert Mueller’s investigation clearly showed Trump’s moral character in that he did not collude with Russia but merely paid off porn stars and models during his 2016 campaign.

“Trump did not collude with Russia, showing he is God’s chosen, anointed one whose only flaw is having multiple affairs and paying the women hundreds of thousands of dollars to keep it all quiet,” said Pastor Robert Jeffress in an elated sermon Sunday. “His moral character is unmatched now that we know he wasn’t doing Putin’s bidding.”

Jeffress then asked the congregation to stand and sing the church’s classic hymn “Make America Great Again,” which is an actual thing that exists in our reality.

“Our chosen president is making morality great again,” Liberty University president Jerry Falwell, Jr said in a special address to the student body that was called when the Mueller Report was filed. “I am really happy that our president did not collude with Russia, confirming his status as the most moral leader America has ever had. Except for all the weird, shady stuff he has done. But, you know, the economy and stuff!”