In our “Pastors Weigh In” column, we ask a wide range of prominent pastors important questions regarding theology and Christian living. Today, our panel of pastoral consultants weighs in on this question:
“Does pineapple belong on pizza?”
Satan: Yes.
Rob Bell: Pineapple. Pineapple rolling in the depths of the human soul. Souls that long. Souls that pine. Souls that yearn to be one with the eternal “god” spirit of the earth. Buy my book.
Bob the Tomato: As long as there’s no tomato sauce, you savages.
Joel Osteen: Yes, pineapple belongs on pizza, as all good teachers of God’s Word know. Live a victorious life and slap that pineapple right on that pizza!
Paul Washer: You will feel the mighty wrath of God the Father burning upon you for all eternity as you enjoy your pineapple pizza IN HELL.
John MacArthur: No.
Phil Johnson: Whatever John said.
Robert Jeffress: I’ve never seen President Trump eat pineapple on pizza. He eats it with a fork and knife, though, so that’s definitely the way all Christians should consume pizza. MAGA!
Matt Chandler: I want you to hear this. Are you tracking with me? Good. Pineapple for the glory of God, combined with pizza for the glory of God, is the most powerful force for advancing the kingdom of God on this earth. DID YOU TRACK WITH ME? (Ed. note: at this point in our interview, Chandler tragically knocked himself out with his own wild arm gesticulations. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.)
Pope Francis: Pineapples and pizza both contribute to flatulence and climate change and should be avoided. If you do enjoy pineapple pizza, you can purchase an indulgence/carbon credit from the Vatican for a discount this week only. Act fast!
John Piper: I allow myself one slice of pizza a year. I cover it with Grape Nuts and granola. I repent immediately after eating it.
For more commentary on the latest issues from all of Christianity’s heavy hitters, stay tuned to our Pastors Weigh In column.
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