SAN DIEGO, CA—According to sources close to local Christian man Jim Leander, the husband and father quietly cursed Adam and Even while mowing the lawn over the weekend, blaming the couple for causing a curse to be placed on the ground and forcing him to weed, mow, water, and trim his lawn almost constantly.
As Leander hacked at his overgrown lawn and pulled weeds for hours, he paused intermittently to shake a fist at the heavens and curse humanity’s forebears.
“I blame you for this!” he muttered to the mother and father of the whole human race, who plunged humanity into sin. “You had all the fruits, all the trees, all the produce of the garden, but no. It wasn’t good enough for you. You had to go and eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”
“I mean, that’s a pretty ominous-sounding name,” he added, shaking his head as he fired up his weed-wacker. “A simple apple or orange tree wouldn’t have sufficed? Of course not. Thanks, guys.”
“You had one job,” he said in frustration as he tried to get his aging lawn mower to start up for the fourth time that afternoon. “One job.”
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