Trump Puts Renowned Paper Salesman Dwight Schrute In Charge Of Choosing Nation’s Healthcare Plan

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has come out swinging against Democrats’ accusations that he’s weak on healthcare.

Trump has selected a star paper salesman from Scranton, Pennsylvania to choose a good healthcare plan for the nation: Dwight Schrute. 

Despite a few scandals, including firing a loaded gun in a workplace and intentionally starting a fire as part of a safety demonstration, Schrute slowly rose through the ranks of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. He served as Assistant to the Regional Manager before being promoted to regional manager after working hard for years to be considered for the position.

Critics have pointed out that assistant to the regional manager doesn’t appear to be a real position listed on Dunder Mifflin’s books.

Schrute said in a statement accepting the difficult task from President Trump: “I don’t believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is: ‘Ow, I hurt my leg; I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.”

“This guy will do a fantastic job,” Trump said. “I’ve been assured that he’s a very good person, maybe the best on healthcare. He can slash benefits to the bone, no problem. He’s our guy.”

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