NAZARETH—In an exciting discovery, archaeologists have uncovered Jesus of Nazareth’s official Leftist Tears tumbler.
Whenever Jesus got thirsty, he would take a big swig from his official Leftist Tears mug before continuing to preach about owning the libs. The Messiah would drink water, coffee, or even Monster energy drinks out of it when he really needed to energize before destroying libs with facts and logic.
“We already found his Republican Party membership card, of course, so we suspected the Leftist Tears mug wasn’t too far away,” one researcher at the dig site said. “Sure enough, we widened our search area, and there it was: the Leftist Tears tumbler the Son of Man himself drank out of daily. Seems like he was a big fan of American values, and as such, he hated the libs.”
At publishing time, researchers had also confirmed the unearthing of Jesus’s smartphone, with thousands of Ben Shapiro videos in his YouTube watch history.
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