HEAVEN—Sources from within the kingdom of heaven confirmed Wednesday that God has instructed His team of angelic lawyers to begin combing through the covenant made with Noah that He would never again destroy the earth with a great flood, to see whether there is any fine print or vague language that might get Him off the hook.
“A promise is a promise, I know—but I’ve really had that Genesis 6:6 feeling lately. You know the one, where you just start regretting having created mankind at all?” He was reported to have told the archangel Michael.
“Is there anything in there about wiping everyone out with an ice age? I mean the text implies liquid water, right? Let’s get some more people from legal to weigh in here,” Michael said as he scoured the text, looking for any kind of loophole that would render the unconditional covenant null and void.
One savvy lawyer suggested that while the text did specify that God couldn’t once again wipe out everyone with a great flood, the language didn’t contain any specific ban on killing humans with large boulders or tree trunks the water would happen to be carrying as it rushed across the face of the earth.
At publishing time, God had decided to slowly start phasing out rainbows as a precautionary measure, in hopes that the move would trigger some kind of statute of limitations to kick in.
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