U.S.—A new service called the Bible Geek Squad will send a theology nerd to your house to argue with you about your beliefs.
If you’re having trouble understanding a Bible passage, you can call the Bible Geek Squad, and they’ll dispatch an agent to your house to argue with you and probably make you more confused than you were before.
“No matter what time of day or night, give us a call and we’ll come out and pick apart your theology, argue with you, and probably end up calling you a heretic,” one Bible Geek Squad agent said in an ad for the new service. “We’ll try to diagnose the problem and offer you some solutions, though in the end you’ll likely ask us to leave because we’re just annoying you.”
The service is also available in a handy online format, in which a Bible Geek Squad Agent will argue with you on Facebook.
At one on-site install, two agents, Calvin and Joe, showed up when a woman was having trouble understanding the doctrine of predestination.
“Ah, I see the problem right here, ma’am,” Calvin said. “You’ve got a faulty understanding of the holiness of God and the level of man’s depravity. Let’s get that rebooted through a clean install of Calvin’s Instit—“
But his partner disagreed, interrupting: “Not so fast, Cal. The Institutes are obsolete. What she really needs is something more up to date, like the 3.01 beta version of Geisler.”
At publishing time, the pair were still arguing on the woman’s porch after she’d kicked them out.
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