‘Bachelorette’ Contestants Flee In Terror After Introduction Of Special Guest Host John MacArthur

NEWPORT, RI—On this week’s episode of The Bachelorette, contestants received a nasty shock as it was announced that usual host Chris Harrison would be replaced with special guest host John MacArthur for the rose ceremony.

“Turn with me in your Bibles to 1 Corinthians 6 as we take a look at what the Bible has to say about sexual purity,” MacArthur said calmly after walking on set next to bachelorette Hannah Brown. 

Immediately convicted of their sinful conduct in the show that glorifies casual sexual encounters, the male contestants turned to dash out of the room but were horrified to find that MacArthur had locked and barred all the ways of escape. “Oh, you won’t find a way out that way,” he said, chuckling. “Just like you won’t find a way out from God’s wrath apart from hiding yourself in Jesus Christ. Now, if you’ll just come back over here, we can continue our exegesis of Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth.”

For the next hour and a half, the preacher and author exegeted a single verse in the chapter, explaining how the men wouldn’t find eternal satisfaction in sex and dating but only in Christ.

“You really need to learn to practice some discernment,” he said, though he pronounced discernment as though it had a “z” in it.

At the conclusion of the rose ceremony, MacArthur invited each person to take a rose if they wanted to accept Christ. Those who did not take a rose were cast out from the set, where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.

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