CALIFORNIA—According to multiple sources close to the Most High, the Almighty is still trying to shake some sense into California, not yet having written off the state as a lost cause.
“God figures if He can just give them a little rattling every now and then, maybe California can be spared,” said one angelic messenger. “He is slow in anger and rich in mercy, not wanting any Californians to perish despite their best efforts to tick him off.”
Sources claim God is going to hit California with a few warning quakes for the next few weeks, hoping that the state will repent of its crazy anti-God agenda before He’s forced to smack ’em with “the Big One.” The Lord reportedly has quakes lined up for areas like Hollywood, Los Angeles, Sacramento, San Francisco, Berkeley, and Santa Barbara as soon as next week, should Californians not turn from their wacky ways and back to Jesus.
At publishing time, God had resigned Himself to the fact that He would have to sink California into the Pacific Ocean.
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