Jesus' Coming Back

Report: Millennials Getting Better At Saving Money Thanks To All Their Boycotts

U.S.—It’s well known that millennials have a savings problem thanks to their student debt and expensive habits such as avocado toast and Tide Pods, but there is now evidence that trend is turning around and that the Gratingest Generation is finally learning to set aside money.

The cause: their numerous boycotts leaving few businesses they’re allowed to patronize.

“The other day I was going to go out to eat,” said Josh Wheeler, a 28-year-old web designer, “but the first restaurant I was going to go to, I remembered I wasn’t eating there because one of the owners said something nice about Trump. Then I was going to eat at this Italian restaurant, but I remembered I was boycotting them, too, since someone there said something that implied there are only two genders. Finally, I was going to just grab some tacos, but I was pretty sure I was boycotting those, though I couldn’t remember why. Maybe cultural appropriation — though I think the owner of the taco truck is Mexican, so that’s not right. Anyway, I just gave up and made a simple meal at home.”

This scene is playing out for millennials everywhere, as their list of boycotts has grown to the point that they can’t spend money anywhere except the local co-op (though it is on the bubble). As a result, their savings are growing, leaving them money to invest — if they weren’t boycotting Wall Street.

“It’s tough being socially conscious,” said Christy Cobb, a social media manager, “because I want so many things!” She says she was thinking of using her savings to donate to Bernie Sanders so she could avoid the boycotts by just having the government give her everything for free, but then she heard something he said about women in the ’70s and nixed that idea.

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