HIDDEN GROVE, MS—Church leaders at Exclusive Grace Reformed Church confirmed Tuesday that they’ve designated special parking spots just for the elect, having converted the church’s old “Visitor Parking” into the “more theologically correct” parking for those predestined unto eternal life.
Volunteers were seen painting over the church’s old visitor parking spots to indicate that only the elect can park there. Those doomed to eternal destruction must park in the overflow lot.
“A lot of churches designate spots for visitors, but what’s the point?” said Reverend Michael Hall. “They’re gonna suffer for eternity anyway. They might as well get used to it by walking from the far spots in the middle of July.”
Parishioners need to show proof of their elect status in order to park in the spots. Acceptable evidence includes the fruit of the Spirit, possession of a Reformation Study Bible, and the ability to chug a six-pack of IPAs without breaking a sweat. Anyone who does not have this evidence of salvation will be thrown into the street, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
One visitor caught parking in the elect spots claimed he couldn’t help it.
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