MOBILE, AL—According to sources close to local 305-pound minister Gary Alzado, the pastor claimed that drinking any kind of alcohol is a sin this past Sunday.
Alzado, whose weight puts him well into the “morbidly obese” category for his demographic, believes that consuming beverages with any amount of alcohol is sinful. He also eats four times more than the recommended amount of calories each day, scarfing down any food that comes within range of his person.
“It is very clear from Scripture that even catching a whiff of alcohol is a sin,” he said in the church foyer as he reached for a tenth Krispy Kreme donut. “It is easy for us to overlook sin in our lives, especially the sin of enjoying too much beer once in a while.”
“Sometimes the sins we don’t think of as being sins are the most dangerous,” he added. “Welp, time to go to lunch—that fourth sweet tea of the day isn’t going to drink itself.”
Sources also confirmed sometimes he puts his hand into a bowl of Cheetos but then just leaves it there, as he’s too weary to bring it up to his mouth.
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